I once tested a smoke alarm
by licking the battery's terminals.
I liked it. Nine sweet volts.
I went on to lick friends' smoke alarms.
When I ran out of them I went to D cells,
with the terminals on opposite ends.
I had to wedge the fat bastards
between my cheeks three at a time
to get a decent current,
oh sweet current.
Sucking BIG JUICE was all that mattered.
For a while nickel-cadmiums satisfied,
until Lithiums came along.
I broke into schools at night
and sucked on laptops.
While in jail, I mastered AC
by jamming two forks into a wall socket.
I taught it to other guys.
I made a lot of friends in there.
Now that I'm out,
I'm not allowed to have electricity.
I have to jack three car batteries,
wire them in series,
and jumper my lips.
You know those big cylinders
you see at the top of telephone poles?
Covered in tar, dark as chocolate,
with green glass candy cone insulators?
There's one in my back alley.