It's time once again for God's State of the Universe address. The face of God will appear throughout the universe, on 10^(10^(10^10)) screens. It will be the largest simulcast since energy condensed into matter. G's face will appear differently to everyone, according to his needs: a mandala, a talking duck, etc.
[Three, two, one, and IN]
As God's SOTU address interrupts the Milky Way Playoffs, there's a reaction from earth's Family A:
"Aw, maaaan, not this guy again. Bogus! I hate His telethons."
His wife beseeches him: "Will you UT-shay UP-yay? It's not a telethon. Plus, He's Od-gay."
"Od-gay is a talking head hey. Bogus."
G: "Good evening! I believe most of you know Me. If not, I urge you to browse the pamphlet you were mailed.
Regarding the state of the universe, let Me get down to it. We've just had another great quarter-epoch! Thank you. But let's not forget how we struggled that first nano-second after the big bang. For those of you too young to remember, what a hectic instant THAT was. Talk about inflation. My pants split 10-to-the-50th times! But I kid. I'm a kidder.
Let Me address two concerns we've gotten irate letters over: interstellar gas and heart worms. I apologize for these two concepts. What was I thinking? It's not you, it's Me. That should be more than enough closure. Ya see, even *I* look in the mirror sometimes and say, "OK, so I'm not God." I kid you not. Hey, HEY! Boom-chicka-boom. Kidding, kidding. Sorry, couldn't resist.
Now I'd like to touch on some things I AM proud of. First, there's the four fundamental ratified forces. And more recently, we’ve seen our very first all-Italian galaxy. If you’re wondering, ‘Why such progress now?’ One word: Globalization.
Now take cosmological stability. I believe things are quite stable. What I mean by that is this: eighty three per cent of everything in the universe is the same as before. THAT'S what I'm talking about. Thank you, thank you. Oh please, you're too kind.
An eighty three per cent data point doesn't just happen, people. There's a reason. And it's not some fundamental what-have-you that I thought up. No my friends, not this time. Rather, it's the result of grass roots initiatives, such as relativity. In other words, it's you, the people. Or is it, "we the people?" I always forget.
Regarding the efficacy of My new speed limit of 186,000 miles per second, some of you commuters have asked, 'Why so slow?' Please remember, your "slow" is someone else's "fast." It's all about safety. Senate Bill 186K has been implemented without additional funding or mandates, thank you very much. But it couldn't have happened without Murray. Murray, come on out here, ya big lug. Take a bow. Murray?
[Visual reception is suddenly lost. Audio is still in tact. G's urgent whispering to technicians can be heard:]
"Pssst, isn’t Murray HERE? No? He's where? A twelve step meeting? Now? Why doesn't he come to ME with his issues? Doesn't he know I can FILL that hole? That's what I do. I make holes, then I fill them. By the way, edit this out in post."
[Visual reception returns, to produce G's sheepish, hastily rebuilt face.]
... So anywhoo. Now let's look at the past quarter epoch's uptick. I'd say the universe has performed robustly, while remaining relatively maintenance-free. In heavy trading, molecules are up briskly, with huge gains being seen in the Dark Matter sector. Meanwhile, empty space remains solid.
Now, regarding so-called alternate universes, don't be fooled by imitations. Keep your money, people. Here's My promise: given My deep belief in mono-theism, should an alternate universe crop up, I guarantee that I'll also be god of it.
"But is mono-theism a reality?" you ask. I can say this much: I certainly HOPE it is, IF ya know what I mean, bada-boom, wink, wink, rim shot please! Hey, HEY! Boom-chicka-boom. Kidding, kidding.
But no, regarding alternate universes- just in case there's a better one out there, say, by an out-of-town god, there will be reciprocity, should you want to emigrate.
Before I forget, I need to mention this epoch's winning species, or they'll kill me. I'm talking, of course, about the coveted "Best New Sentient Life Form Made of Not Less Than 53 per cent Carbon" Award. The winners? These totally, totally new beings hale from The Milky Way Galaxy, in a certain solar system- third planet from their sun. They're omnivorous mammals. Primates, to be exact. Very smart. Walk upright. And they've developed language, and culture. You've probably heard of them. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about none other than,
Ring-tailed Lemurs! Yes. Lemurs. Thank you very much.
A spasm of indignation rises up from a certain species on a certain third planet, as millions of them scream at their screens:
"What? Did You just say 'Lemurs'? What are we, sponges?"
"Have Ya ever heard of Mozart? Mother Teresa? Isacc Newton?"
From other time zones:
"Where does He get His information? How much time has He spent in the field?"
"Wait a minute, 'they've developed language and culture'? What culture? We're talking about lemurs. They don't even wear pants."
"I listened to his whole thing this time. I really tried to understand all that cosmological, globalization, molecules-per-second crap. Now THIS!"
Back to Family A:
"Bogus! I told you, He's a talking head. Did I say? Yes. I did say. I said."
"He did say, Mom. He said."
"Will both of you please just UT-shay UP-yay?
"OK, I'll shut up if you can answer one question."